This has been interesting. My world has recently just been fucking beaten up and i don't really know what to do about it. I am sick of Monterey to the point of as soon as I get 1500 saved up, I might be leaving. This will only take me a month and a half. The biggest problem about this is I don't know where I would go, and I would have to quit school.
The latter problem seems much less important at this point anyways. Since more than likely I would be leaving this state, I would need to take a year off of school anyways. Thanks out of state tuition, why don't you just take my virginity too? (oh wait...). So I really don't care if I don't finish this semester since I will need a "get your shit back on course" semester anyways after taking that break.
As of now, there are really only 3 locations I am even considering going to: Portland, Sacremento and Sonoma. Not necessarily in that order (while Sonoma is last, I can't decide between Portland and Sacremento). But seeing as how time is running short, I need to decide soon.
Monterey just has nothing for me at this point. I have met everyone in the area there is to meet. If I haven't met someone yet, chances are they suck and are not worth meeting anyways.
I ran into Will Adams (year younger, went to high school with him, rad guy) and Sam Skemp (don't remember why I know him) today. Will was on yearbook and told me that I won "Most likely to see around Monterey" in High School, but they axed it because I won 3 awards and they only wanted me to have one (Most Fashionable lolz). But I find that award highly depressing. I don't really know if it is because I can't figure out its true meaning (Either, most likely to see around or Most likely to be in Monterey forever), but all I can say is that I am stoked it was cut.
After seeing them, I saw Adam B and realized that I need to hango ut with him more. He was hanging out with his ladyfriend Nickie and her friend Aaliyah (i think?). It was quite a change from who I am used to hanging out with and I couldn't figure out why. It was reminiscent of when I dated Lauren and hung out with the Alvarado Rats. I never felt like i belonged with them but for some reason today, it just worked. Aaliyah drew a picture of me riding a unicycle. It kinda ruled. I may scan it later.
This post is really scattered but I just feel so pitiful right now. Like, I can't find happiness in anywhere and yesterday was the first day I could have a full meal in 9 days. My appettite had disappeared.
I really want to get back into photography. So I am going to start doing a 365 type project. Except instead of a picture of me, it might just be a picture from the day. I will post the first one later tonight after I go out. It will probably be something lame, like of the sky or something. I dunno. Whatever forces me to take my camera places. I can't decide if I should post it here or my flickr or both. Time will tell.
I really just want to be held right now. I miss my mom (she is in Ireland and I haven't talked to her in a week). She is moving back to AZ in 3 weeks and I don't know how I am going to handle it. I hated talking serious to her until just recently. My sister made me realize how much my mom respects me and my opinion. If there was anyone able to convince my mom not to leave, it would have been me. I know it is what she needs to do, but just the thought of not having a retreat to Big Sur available to me seems unreal. I almost don't know how to take it.
This is especially hard now that I have two [three?] roommates (Dylan officially moves his shit in tomorrow and Mauro is always here). I just can't find alone time for the life of me. I feel as if that may be why I feel like shit all the time.
That or the fact that I have started smoking again. I hate cigarettes but they really are a huge stress reliever. I smoked 12 the other night just because I was drunk and stressed. They helped for the moment but the next morning may have been the worst of my life. I cried for the first time in over two years (correct me if that is wrong, someone?). The worst part is I don't even know why. I just have this feeling of failure right now. Which is weird, because i have never had that feeling before.... even when I have failed.
I just have no motivation. I refuse to ask people for help (personal flaw #32) and therefore can't get the things I need to get done done. I am also indecisive. Thus the living situation. I am really leaning towards Sacremento with Chelsea, Sarah and Shalamar (3 of my 7 friends of lj). But I could never live with any of them. And I am sure they probably agree with me on that. They would kill me before I kill them. And the idea of having to meet people all over again scares me. I always want to talk to people but am afraid of the judgement that follows.
First impressions are everything and I seem to make horrible ones. I am always grateful for second chances and for a good conversation, because that's the shit that gets me friends.
So if you have made it this far, thanks, I love you, all that good stuff. EDIT:( Day 1Collapse )